Welcome to your beginners guide to The Joy of Manners - unillustrated edition.
As we all know, Manners are a great form of entertainment and should be used sparingly as to not overwhelm any others who may behold such an act.
We have evolved as a species to now disregard any form of manners and can work together and communicate through simple words, instead of those cumbersome "sentences" that slowed the process of getting what we desired and opened up doorways to the chance of horrific polite conversation and unnecessary exchanges of greetings and farewells.
Chapter 1.
The Shops.
Purchasing goods.
Before you rush off to test any methods of Non Manners on the public please be aware there are many places of work and businesses where they will use Manners upon you. The correct way to deal with this is to try to ignore any prefixes and suffixes that appear around the word of the product you wish to purchase. Another method is a blank dead stare into their face while they talk.
Ordering a product.
To order a product in our modern society you must first know the name of said product, be it a brand or category. The best Non Manners approach is the most base form of category e.g. "BEER", "CRISPS", "TICKET". The more accomplished among us have learned to cope with even the simplest "FOOD", "DRINK" or "UNGH".
First we will use a supermarket or grocery store as an example.
Here you are usually safe from Manners until it comes to the checkout, simply fill you basket/trolley with the desired goods and proceed to the checkouts with out making eye contact with anyone or acknowledging any advances in conversation. If you require any assistance with shopping we will cover what to do later on in the guide under "Getting Help While Remaining Unbreakabley Ignorant".
For those of us who have trained for many years, it is possible to get through a checkout transaction without any words spoken, for those starting out it is best to stick to simply saying "YES", "NO" or a vaguely positive or negative "UNGH".
You can also try to avoid awkward conversing by using "self-serve" checkouts. These are OK until you get errors with shopping , you are then thrust into conversing to hide possible embarrassment due to either your mistake or the computer error. Do not fear though, many of the people working at the "self-serve" checkouts to assist you have been trained not to use any words while they swipe their staff cards and punch the screen with full customer service joy.
You have survived a shopping trip, but there are more difficult businesses out there.
We will now use a pub as an example.
When purchasing a drink in a pub all you need to know is the drink you desire. Yes and No is not needed in places such as this. When greeted at the bar simply look for what you want to buy and state its name, ignore any forms of "Hello", "How are you?", if you are lucky you will be greeted by a silent emotionless face of one who, such as you, is educated in the ways of Non Manners. We are thankful for these few for when we meet one such as this a transaction is a s simple as 1. You state your desired drink. 2. The drink is poured. 3. They state the price, or on those extra special occasions simply hold out their hand. 4. the transaction is complete. (On extra, extra special occasions you will find such a person working in supermarkets).
Do not be put off by the "banter" you might receive from bar staff, it is usual for them to do this and inside they are really wanting to join your silence so just use the tried and tested dead stare and they will cease.
On many occasions a bar man may wait until you say the "Magic Word" of please before you can actually receive your drink, at these times it is best to give in and say the word because you are a tosser and should learn real manners.
Most of the time there is no need for you to use any of the overused "Hello", "How are you", Could I have...." and the final "Please" and "Thank You".
Enjoy your drinks, and don't forget the correct etiquette in pubs is to ignore everyone around you and if you need to get past someone simply press your body against them as you attempt to get past and they will move for you... because your the fucking king remember.
The Shops
Working in shops.
To work in any shop or business simply avoid the pleasantries of greetings and farewells. You should be able to get by with simple yes or no or the afore mentioned "UNGH". When working in the final stages of shopping transactions (the till) you may be required to state the price of the good purchased or as with the pub example you should be able to get away with a simple holding out of the hand in anticipation of money. This behaviour is also visible in many of the youths of today.
Chapter 2
Street Manners
When you walk around in public ignore everyone around you and... and..... and
I have had enough now, I was just going to do a little example of my annoyance at the lack of manners but as you may have seen I went on for a little bit. Chapter 2 for goodness sake. Street manners?? What?
I just don't understand why people cannot manage a simple hello before a conversation starts, just that one word helps me to proceed with the interaction that follows. Hi or something to do with any greeting would do.
Incident today - There are people about to do work on a building that is adjoined to my back yard. (eventually, its about to fall down and kill me). As I walked out my front door into the back yard (my front door is on the back, there is no front front door) and as work has just been done in my house the old sofa and a lot of big bags are in the yard. "Ere Mate" is what I hear over my headphone music. "Ooo's stuff is this?"
"well its mine, I just had work done and this is all to go to the tip"
"we're starting work next week and there's gonna be scafolding put up here"
My brain just goes into reclusive natural response and I say "Ok, I will see if I can get it moved in time".
Now, because of the crumbling wall there is a cheap bamboo fence in front of the other building held up by the sofa and I notice this is now bent over and flattened in the middle and there is a gentlemen on the other side measuring the crumbling wall, now he didn't appear on that side, he just squashed it and climbed over it.
It is quite clear who's house is next to this yard, its the only door there, I have a doorbell and a door knocker so its not difficult to hail me by my front entrance (ooh err) so why not just ask. I would have gladly moved the fence and sofa if they had only asked before hand. And the fact that I have been given no notice to this work that is taking place in my yard next week, what hours are they going to be working, I am going to be woken up at bollock o clock in the morning? is the passage that leads to my door going to be blocked? I do need to get in and out of my house for work. Its just plain rude and lazy.
And that is only the latest of the manners rant. There will probably be many more.
Please, remember your manners, its only good manners to do so. It makes everyone's life that little bit easier and more pleasant.
Thank you.
A A
Yes, I might at one point I might write the rest of the Joy of Manners.
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